I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
