if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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