i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
