My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
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I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
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So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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