the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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