You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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