He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
