I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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