you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
