He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
