Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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