You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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