Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
