can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
