If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
