I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
