walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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