When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
