I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
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