I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
