Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Randomize
