The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
me + whiskey = a bad person
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize