Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
