the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
