Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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