Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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