someone get that fucking seahorse.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
