dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
