Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
