Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
