Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
