Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Randomize
