Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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