Don't make out with my wife yet
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
