Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
The uberlube is also flammable
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
