I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
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He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
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he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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