mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
what is it with giant penises always finding me
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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