I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
