The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
