highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
