i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
