paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
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I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
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I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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