Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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