70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
