I faked an abortion last night.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Randomize
