I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
