I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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