Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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