does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
