his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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