So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
