guys are not supposed to queef...right?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
