A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
