Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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