I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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