the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
