i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
