Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Vodka?
Forever.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
