When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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