Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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