I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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