I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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